I don't want to breastfeed!

Breastfeeding comes easily for some mothers and for some it just doesn't. For me, it just doesn't. Like many babies, my daughter had jaundice. Before even leaving the hospital, Doctors were making me supplement with formula. I had no choice. I was told to supplement at home as well. I tried breastfeeding my daughter at the hospital. I just didn't have enough milk and was never able to produce enough milk to meet her needs. I pumped and breastfed every two to three hours as told. I took fenugreek, drank plenty of water, and talked to my Physician about my shortage in milk. Even with my lack of liquid gold, I stuck with it and breastfed for seven long months. It was devastating. I felt like a failure. One of my friends had so much milk that her freezer was full. She even donated her milk because of her overabundance. I did not freeze milk once. I just didn't have it to freeze. At my peak, I pumped twelve ounces a day. Usually, I would produce two ounces of milk in a twenty minute pump session. I was supplementing half of all feedings if not more.  

I really do not want to go through this again. Is two hours of pumping a day even worth the measly twelve ounces I was able to pump a day? I am just not sure. I have done the research. I know the benefits of breast feeding. I also know that formula is a healthy choice.

A few of the reasons I want to force myself to at least try to breastfeed are it is free,  it can help prevent SIDS (according to the American Academy of Pediatrics) and breastfeeding can help new mothers lose weight more easily. There is also the pressure of just about everybody not to dare formula feed my child. Everyone from doctors, nurses, family, friends even strangers will throw out sentences like everyone can breastfeed if they try, your baby is going to be sickly, you are not going to bond with your child, and even your child is going to lose IQ points. The stress and pressure are overwhelming,  A happy, unstressed mother has to be better than the contrary.

New evidence and more recent studies are actually concluding that there are no significant differences in breast-fed and formula-fed babies. Joan B. Wolf, professor of gender studies at Texas A&M University, and author of “Is Breast Best? Taking on the Breastfeeding Experts and the New High Stakes of Motherhood,” writes in the New York Times that, “I have found the benefits of breastfeeding in the developed world nonexistent, marginal or impossible to disentangle from other aspects of a child’s life.

The mixed data all over the internet is not making my already hard decision any easier. I don't want to be selfish in my choice and I surely don't want to hurt my child in any way. I am still undecided about what to do. All I know right now is that I don't want to breastfeed. When that sweet baby is handed to be in the delivery room, my feelings may change.