Thursday, April 30, 2015

An Anxious Pregnancy

Research has shown that up to thirty three percent of women experience clinical depression or an anxiety disorder at some point during pregnancy. I never thought I would be one of these women.

Here are some of the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder:
  • Excessive worry that's difficult to control
  • Irritability
  • Tension/muscle aches
  • Disrupted sleep patterns
  • Feeling restless inside
  • Fatigue
  • Poor concentration
I admit I was a little anxious with my first pregnancy. I mostly worried about if the baby is going to be okay or will I be okay during and after delivery.

My anxiety is at an entire different level this time around. I am mostly worried and anxious at work. The worries are still about the same thing and that is keeping my baby safe.

It started a few weeks ago in the cafeteria. I was pushed by a student in the cafeteria while doing duty and lost it on the six foot sixth grader. He was horse playing with an eighth grader and I was pushed. Luckily, there was a trash can in front of me because I was collecting trash and dismissing tables. The trash can caught my tummy. Although, I almost fell in, the injury was not bad. Maybe even nonexistent.

But what if... What if that trash can wasn't there? What if that huge 6th grader fell right on top of me? What if the baby was hurt? I was pissed. I was pissed at the kids. I was pissed at my boss for putting me in that situation at thirty-five weeks to begin with. And this is the second time I have been pushed while pregnant in the lunch room.

My heart was racing, and I bolted out of the cafeteria after yelling "I am pregnant" and "I am done with this." I needed to get out of there before I did something I would regret. I remember thinking to myself, don't curse, don't curse.

I headed into my Principal's office and as soon as I sat down I was having cramps. They were scary enough for me to get checked out, but surely they were because of me being angry and not pushed by a sixth grader.

Everything checked out fine but I was not doing lunch duty anymore. One pregnant girl supervising a couple hundred students doesn't seem right to me anyway.

My boss made a huge deal out of me "putting them in a bind." She even went on to say "well what can you do?" I made it clear to her I did not want to do in school suspension either but her guilt trip and demanding attitude changed my duty from cafeteria monitoring to covering in school suspension for around seventy - eighty minutes per day.

I get I am just pregnant and I should be able to do everything I can do prior to pregnancy, but this not only made me angry but terribly anxious. I am now babysitting the bad kids for over an hour a day. They don't listen to me. They walk out without permission, start fights with each other, and even throw things across the room.

I would rather start maternity leave early than have to deal with these students. I am thinking about it at night and not able to go to sleep. I am even dreaming about it and dreading going to work. The anxiety is ridiculous and deep down I know that, but I feel like I have no control over it.

I lost it again after calling an administrator when the students were not listening in ISS and no one showing up. What if there was something really wrong? What if I needed to get to the hospital and I can't get in touch with anyone? I was almost as mad as I was when I was pushed in the cafeteria.

I am finally out of the duty that a pregnant woman shouldn't be doing anyway. It took two doctor appointments, two drug prescriptions, and finally a doctor note saying I can no longer do in school suspension because of the stress on the baby.

I just hope the stress is now over. Maybe it isn't some anxiety disorder. Maybe the situation was just wrong...and I responded like I should have. I advocated for myself.

I expect there will be some tension with my boss and I since I have gotten out of another duty, but I am to the point where I don't care. I shouldn't have to leave work early over what I think is a dumb unsympathetic decision by my boss. I have so much work to do that my counseling job actually entails. The countdown for our sweet new baby started weeks ago but now I have a countdown to no more working as well. Come on baby show up just a couple weeks early!

1 comment:

  1. Proud of you....I would offer you a glass of wine or a Xanex, but you know, the whole baby thing. ;)